Being Still With My Self

When I was in college, I spent long afternoons looking at the sky through the giant eucalyptus trees just outside of my bedroom window.  The Santa Ana winds would blow through the leaves, and the air filled with spice.  I spent hours, being still, alone, with only my Self.  Silently, I'd just think about things.   I pondered.  I contemplated.  Letting ideas flow from one point to another, not looking for answers.  Just letting thoughts amble on by, of their own accord.

Since then, the last three decades have held more than 15 million minutes.  Fifteen Million.  In all of those minutes, I have taken precious little time to just be still with my thoughts.  Not that I haven't taken time for myself, because I have, especially in the last ten years as my children grew older.  But, in the face of establishing careers, raising children, and attending to the activities of daily living, I've forgotten how to be still, by my Self.  To be still with my Self.  Those of you at my stage of life are probably in the same boat.  And if you are a couple of decades earlier right now, in your child-rearing years, you are facing this reality every day.  Barely enough time to do the work at hand, let alone squander time contemplating the journey of life.

This lack of time spent in stillness and thoughtfulness over the years has hampered my ability to do the important work of integrating what I have learned with who I am and how I face things today.  I wrote about how important I consider this in my last post.  But it's not that I have lost the ability to be still with myself, to quietly contemplate my journey...I'm just a bit rusty.  The knack I used to have for letting go, and just letting my mind wander, or sometimes having my mind focus in on something it deemed important, seemingly of its own volition...seems to be almost like a physical skill, like bike riding.  If you don't ride for years, and then you go out and ride twenty-five miles one day, you'll be stiff for a few days after.  I think that being still, for me, is like that.  I'm out of practice, rusty.  Once I start exercising those (?) brain cells, (?) neurons, (?) my soul or spirit (?), I have a feeling that it will come back to me, like riding a bike.

It isn't a coincidence to me that many of the "How To" books on writing suggest, each day, simply letting the mind wander, and then journaling the results, without interruption or edit.  It's a step beyond my old process of just staring at the beautiful blue sky, to record on paper what is happening in my psyche.  Since I am sitting on my deck right now, and because the weather is amazingly wonderful, for Portland, I am going to end this post, and just be still, with my Self.  I'm going to look at the sky above, listen to the little fountain and the bird song from the forest.  I'm not sure, but I bet that I will find a few moments of joy.  I'll let you know tomorrow.

With Love, to Stephanie!

Thank you my dear for the wonderful contribution to my blog, to my future.  I absolutely adore the Goddess of Joy...you've brought her to life...she is so...Joyful! And when I log on to my blog, and I see her, it's like a present from you every day!

Every Day An Epiphany

Lately, my life has been a series of Epiphanies.  Change does that I think.  Three times in my life, I have gone through "major upheavals": once as a young adult; another as a young mother; and in this last two years, as a divorcee-to-be, as an orphan (of sorts...given that both of my parents are now deceased,) and as an empty-nested mother.  All three of these last transitions lumped together into one major mega-change, years in the making.  "Major upheaval," sounds like something negative, but change is felt in many ways: it can be positive and desired, or negative and unwanted.  More often than not, it is a combination of both positive and negative, all at the same time.  For example, each of my children's births was a wonderful and amazing experience, yet each profoundly altered the flow of my life in ways that were at the same time very difficult to manage.

With hindsight, I am able to see that each major life-changing event I have experienced has had four distinct phases.  First was the acute phase.  At the worst times, my feelings were tender and raw and I wept every day, seemingly at the drop of a hat.  I felt intense sorrow, and it wasn't unusual for me to think that my sadness would never end.  This phase lasted almost two years during the hardest change of my life...and it was a monumentally difficult path to endure.  I suffered greatly from depression, a symptom of my medical disease, which went undiagnosed, then undertreated for at least three years.  When we suffer like this, the intensity of our reaction affects us greatly, spilling over from us to those we are close to, affecting every relationship we have, aggravating and adding to the core issues we face.  I felt overwhelmingly out of control, of my emotions, my daily activities, of my whole life; that was the hardest part of all.  Aggravating this feeling were the well-meaning efforts of friends, encouraging me to "think positively," to "chin up," to "suck it up," to simply "believe."  But for those who have truly experienced this deep, engulfing misery, you know that it is almost impossible to think yourself out of the muck...it just takes time to heal, to move from this stage to the next. 

When I started feeling brief periods of respite from sadness, it was a signal that I was moving into the second phase.  I wasn't falling apart every day, although sadness would often "move in," occasionally followed by a sense of hopelessness, and I still found it hard to imagine that I could be truly happy again.  I was on a roller coaster ride: up and down, up and down, full speed around a dangerous curve.  My thinking self was too busy trying to find peace amongst the chaos to digest what was happening to me, to understand how the event that precipitated my despair was going to affect me in the long term.  At least I wasn't crying every day, and thank God, I wasn't feeling that intense sense of hopelessness without relief that eats away your spirit.  There was some reprieve, although often very small, from the intensity of the sadness I felt during the earliest stage of change.

At last, in the third phase, I would find the tipping point, that magical moment when I moved from predominant unhappiness to dominant happiness.  For me, it has happened two different ways.  The first two times I went through monumental "Life Changes," as a young adult, and then as a young mother, I seemed to hit this third stage literally over night.  One day, I suddenly realized that I was more happy than unhappy, more relaxed than stressed, more joyful than sad.  It was an incredible feeling to move past the despair that had attached itself to the event, the depression that I didn't even see clearly enough as "depression," to call depression.  Finally, I could breathe, as if a boulder had been lifted off my chest, a boulder I hadn't even realized was there.

Then finally came the fourth and final step: integration.  Epiphany time.  Insight.  That is where I am now, although I'm still a little in the third stage too.  I remember a cleaner transition during the last two Life Changes; this time, insight seems to come in fits and spurts.  Of course, the change isn't fully complete: the divorce isn't final, the baby of the family doesn't move out until the end of August, and the pain of losing my mother is still raw.  This triad of changes is much bigger than anything I've faced before.  And of course, I realize that change is a dynamic process, and it is never really "over."  As I integrate the things I have learned in the last three years into my Self, that whole package of who I am, I still have every-once-in-a-while a down day.  Still a little part of me left emotionally in phase three, but intellectually moving to phase four.

And with this last "major upheaval" I have fully started to grasp that, even though I am able to distinguish a sort of beginning and end to each of these monumental events, and an awareness of associated personal growth as a result, my life is constantly changing.  Sometimes in big, huge ways, as I have described as "major upheavals."  And sometimes in very small, but important ways.  Imagine the small change in attitude toward homeless people you might discover in yourself, after seeing a homeless mother on the street, with a three year old holding her hand, and a baby in a sling across her chest.  Or imagine the personal strength you might experience after months of financial tribulation, when you finally pay off a long-held credit card debt.  These are smaller, yet very important changes and they happen all the time in our lives.  Unfortunately, we seldom pay much attention to them, and we lose the power of consciously integrating the experience into our psyche, we give up the gain we might have made if we would have been aware and intentional in our emotional processing of the events we experience every day.

Change is constant.  Sometimes big, gargantuan.  Sometimes teeny, barely registering in our conscious awareness.  A back and forth: a small event-a simple lesson; a major upheaval-a life-altering lesson.  One with the other, over and over again, as we go through life.  When we pause to integrate what we experience, whether a big Life Lesson, or a simple, random event, we grow, we gain wisdom.  Learning from each day, appreciating something amazing from the small things of life, something amazing in the overwhelming things in life.  But always a new awareness, if we let ourselves be open.

Why Not Goddess of Grouchies?

Being the apprentice Goddess of Joy doesn't mean I have a slam-dunk on the "joy track."  I still wake up tired and achy in the morning, just like many of you, often finding it a small challenge to get out of bed, let alone to get out of bed joyfully.  My morning ritual-including a four shot Americano with a splash of water, consumed indulgently in the hot tub, jets running full-blast on my hips and knees-definitely makes a dent in my morning grouchies.  Tall Douglas fir, maples, and many native plants I have no names for cover my backyard, and give me a sense of serenity that is especially welcome these days, what with the divorce, my mourning for my mama, and my impending empty nest after twenty-six solid years of day-to-day mothering.  Starting my day outside in bubbly hot water, listening to the songbirds singing and the crows cackling, how can I not emerge with even a little teensy bit of joy in my heart?  And when there is a break in the clouds, and the sun comes out for the first time in days, (or even weeks,) bright and warm on my face?  It feels like the Goddess is tickling me.  And that reminds me of wonderful times with my big brother George, when I was very little.  He would start tickling and I always started giggling, regardless of the circumstance.  I could be very angry, very sad, even furious to start with, but no matter what, I would end up with unending giggles.

Then there are the extra special days, when the rain is pouring from the sky.  I especially like those days.  You see, I have a perfect setup...standing guard over half of the hot tub is my blue, green, and yellow stripped garden umbrella!  I sit in the tub, looking out on the garden, warm and somewhat dry, but mostly wet, just like I like.  I generally don't bring my laptop out when it's raining, but I do have my Kindle, and my phone so I can Google to my heart's content!  "Hi.  My name is Stevie, and I'm a Googaholic."  Call me silly, but it brings my heart Joy.  And that's what this is all about for me.  You see, I'm a generally joyful soul, but life has handed me some challenges these last few years, and I've been having a hard time re-connecting to the Joy I know is inside of me.  That's why I decided to take this apprenticeship.  I thought that if my work-life focused on finding and creating joy that it would help me bring joy back into my own life.

Some days my morning rituals are very soothing, but some days my grouchies just kind of hang on.  I'm not sure why they do, but I'm trying to live with them without judging them.  Rumi, the 13^th century Sufi poet whose writing is as relevant today as it was 700 years ago, says, "This being human is a guest house.  Every morning a new arrival.  A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.  Welcome and entertain them all!  Even if they are a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still treat each guest honorably.  He may be clearing you out for some new delight."  Our negative emotions are just as important as our joyful feelings, because we couldn't have one without the other, wouldn't appreciate one without the other.

Then why, you ask, have I taken an apprenticeship with only the Goddess of Joy, and not also with the Goddess of Grouchies?  I'm so glad you asked that question, because up until this moment, I hadn't known the answer, let alone ask the question.  But it is both an important question and answer.  The answer to the question is that I already have a very generous supply of Grouchies in my life, and don't need any help attracting my fair share; what I need is to balance them with Joy.  And there you have it.  This is my epiphany for the day!  In taking on my quest to one day be able to fill in for the Goddess of Joy, to help others find more joy in their lives, I am steadily un-covering, dis-covering, re-covering Joy of my own.  Join me in this process; it might help you see what you need to add to your life.

Oh What A Beautiful Morning!

How many times do you wake up, and first thing in the morning, start singing (either in your head or aloud), “Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day.  I’ve got a beautiful feeling, everything’s going my way!”  I would imagine that your answer is, not often enough.  Therefore, as the apprentice Goddess of Joy, I whole-heartedly recommend that we all do this, every day, for the next two weeks, starting tomorrow (Wednesday, July 8, 2009), (or if you read this sometime into the future, then for your next two weeks!)

All sorts of very smart people have recommended the power of positive thinking, and they believe that with enough people thinking positively, we can cooperatively affect the baseline attitude of the masses.  In this spirit then, have you ever heard anybody recommend this specific strategy?  Singing the opening phrases of the wildly optimistic, wonderfully upbeat refrain from the musical, “Oklahoma?”  I haven’t (and if you have, I would be most honored if you would send me a note giving me the details!)

So what can it hurt?  You see, as the apprentice Goddess of Joy, it is my job to learn how to bring joyfulness to your life and mine.  My first assignment is to help one person find Joy.  It can be for a moment, an hour, a day.  Doesn’t matter.  Since I’ve noticed that my well-being, my “Joyfulness Indicator”, always is higher when I’ve got that wonderfully catchy tune stuck in my head, I thought, well, let’s see how it works as a “group project!”

Here are my recommendations for starting this project: Using colored markers or your best fun writing, write on an index card or a stickie note, “Oh What A Beautiful Morning!”  Put this card right next to your alarm clock so it will be the first thing you see in the morning when you wake up.  Then, each night for a few nights, just before you go to sleep, go to this You Tube link, and listen to Hugh Jackman singing "Oh What a Beautiful Morning!"  (just click these words.)  Or find your favorite rendition, with your favorite singer.  Within a few days, I hope that we all will start waking up with the words in our heads, coaxing us to see the beauty of each and every day.

I can’t wait to hear how this works!

Gentle Hugs,

Stevie

Apprentice to the Goddess of Joy

Rediscovering Lost Joy

Oh Goddess of Joy, as one day follows the next, I must follow my heart.  The journey is one you may not be familiar with, as it is not, at least in the present, a story of Joy.  Well, that isn't exactly true either.  If I tell the truth, and I am honor-bound to do so, as an apprentice to you the sitting Goddess, as my mentor, my role model, and my friend, this story did begin with Joy.  It just is so long ago now that I barely remember the truth of it.

As is generally the case with most of these stories that begin with Joy, transition to sorrow, and then eventually return to Joy, it started with a young man and a young woman.  They were just finishing their last year of college when they met, a bad time if ever there was one, for these things to happen.  What kind of things, you ask?  Well, take one guess.  Yes, a relationship.  So many transitions during that time of life.  Almost adults, but not quite.  The nurturing environment of college, while on the path to the challenges of adulthood, just doesn't quite prepare us for something as permanent as marriage.  Close, but not quite.  Dorm life still protects us from paying the monthly rent or mortgage bill, feeds us three meals a day even if we don't have a penny to our name.  No utilities bills, so you can leave the light and heat on all day and all night with no repercussion.  And certainly, for most, none of the all-consuming challenges of taking care of a baby.

So when two people decide to make a permanent commitment to one another while still in college, they certainly don't have an accurate perspective of what they will be like, either as individuals or as a team, once they face the "Real World," and one of the most burdensome aspects of the "Real World," true financial hardship.  For me, I was very smitten with my boy; I had never met someone so cultured, so worldly, so romantic.  Everything about him was different from me, and I was hooked from the start.  But over the years, as one commitment after another entered our life, the differences in our individual coping styles became more and more of an issue, and our collective weaknesses became great sources of contention and pain.  The love story, the absolute joy we felt in the beginning, disappeared, and we both became miserable.  Not immediately, but insidiously over many years, the joy and beauty wore off and was replaced with pain and sadness.  Not a unique story at all, unfortunately, all too common.  And yes, utterly, unbearably sad.

Now, we are trying to extricate ourselves from twenty-six years of co-mingled life.  I've read somewhere that divorce is more painful than death.  Since I lost my mama just a little less than a year ago, a woman who was as much of a best friend as a parent, I feel remarkably well qualified to comment on the comparative misery of divorce and death.  I believe that it is true that divorce is relatively more painful.  It goes on and on and on.  Each day, there is a little part of my soul that wishes that today will be the day when I receive a call from him, and he says that he wishes to be friends, to try and end our marriage with some of the care and love, with which it began twenty-six years ago.  I know it won't happen.  There seems to be too much raw anger for that kind of kindness to happen.  People tell me that there is a chance that we might come to be friends again, in the future, but that I need to let go of the hope, for now, for my own sake.  I know they are right.

So, Goddess of Joy, I decided to take a job with you.  I figure that if I'm having a hard time finding the joy in life, what better way than to take a position wherein it is my responsibility to find and create joy.  I pledge that I will look carefully, mindfully, at life, and find the joy again.  I remember that joy use to be an important part of who I was.  I know that I can once again make joy an important part of who I am.  But right now, Goddess, I must admit that I am having a very hard time finding joy.

And then, just as I sit at my desk to go through the mail, what should happen, but that I find a letter, a real honest-to-goodness-paper-and-envelope letter, with a stamp and everything!  From my best friend who literally lives thousands of miles away!  I'm going to end this post, just now, so I can read.  And feel the true and deeply satisfying pleasure of Joy.  

I Did It! Yes Indeed I Did!

Oh My Goodness!  I'm not sure if you've heard, but I've taken a position as apprentice with the Goddess of Joy!  I can't believe that I went from late-night epiphany to apprentice with such little ado.  As many of you know, in the last two years I've hit a major mid-life change with a big, sometimes jarring bang.  It started with a monumental decision to leave a not-so-nice marriage of 26 years, a change that required Courage Beyond Belief.  It took me years to gather and nurture said Courage, but I did it; I DID it, Yes Indeed I Did!  Hard?  Of course.  Have I had days of regret?  Not a single one.  Have I had days of sheer panic?  Yes, I must admit I have, days and weeks of panic.  I must say that there have been times when I thought that I simply wouldn't make it.  But I have. Day-by-Day, I have.

Then, as if the divorce wasn't challenging enough, my dear mama was diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer.  We found out that she was ill because one day she was unable to walk-as suddenly as that.  I raced her to the ER, and the rest of the night was straight from a made-for-TV movie.  At three in the morning, as Mom was lying on a gurney in a sterile, well-equipped emergency room, zonked out on morphine and snoring softly, the kindest young doctor told me in hushed tones that she had multiple tumors in her lungs, one kidney, pelvis, and on her spine.  One of the latter had intertwined itself in and around that oh-so-critical organ, the spinal cord itself.  Thus, my mother became paraplegic and diagnosed as imminently "terminal" in one fell swoop.  When I called the soon-to-be ex who is himself an ED doc in the same group as Kind Young Doctor, looking for reassurance that Kind Young Doctor knew his stuff, I received a brief reassurance and then, a statement that Ex hoped this event wouldn't delay our divorce process.  Hmmmm.

Mom managed another almost six months after that night.  It was painful beyond belief to watch the dear woman who had brought me into the world-provided shelter to me from its hardship and taught me to appreciate its beauty-suffer so much.  The infinite small details of her struggle are the subject of another story, but suffice it to say, being able to see her courageously deal with that horrible disease, is an enormous help for me in finding the courage to deal with the challenges of my daily life.  In my mother's death, she gave me a powerful gift, at just the right time, in the most profound way.

Now I look forward to the rest of my life and feel challenged to make the most of that with which I am blessed.  With all of the changes, and loss I've had over the last two years, I know that for my spiritual health, I need to re-focus on the good and wonderful things that remain.  A while back, in a late-night epiphany, it came to me...my dream is to be the Goddess of Joy I told you about my new career goal a few weeks ago.  Since then, the most amazing thing happened.  I ran into the Sitting Goddess of Joy one day when I was dropping a package off at the Post Office, and we started chatting.  And you know how the saying goes: "There's no such thing as a coincidence!"  I see it as a matter of Divine Intervention.

So, I'll catch up with you tomorrow.  Sleep well, don't let the bed bugs bite, and have pleasant dreams!

To Be, or To Be...That is the Question!

The Goddess of Joy!  That's who I want to be when I grow up.  It came to me in a  late-night epiphany...you know, the kind you have when you're just to turn 50 and you have to pee once an hour, on the hour, all night long, because your bladder is shrinking faster than the Snows of Kilimanjaro.  To be the Goddess of Joy...it truly isn't as far-fetched as it seems at first glance, I think, already mentally trying to convince those of my skeptical friends who might voice concern about such an unconventional career choice at my age.  It's true, the pay might not be great, although I have no idea how much Goddesses make, so any thoughts on this matter are purely speculative.  Nevertheless, think of the job satisfaction!  Benefits?  I'd have to do some research on that.  Settling under the down comforter after my quick trip to the loo, I decide to begin my research right away.  As my head hits the pillow, I immediately take off for Joy Land, wildly excited to explore from this newfound perspective!